I’m going to post, because…no one sees this. Whoever does, however, this is a cry out for help. Not really. I hope no one ever does see this. I’m not depressed in kind of dissapointed. In myself. And frankly I’m not a good person. Well you can figure it out for yourself.
I have a boyfriend, I believe I am in love with him. Not even 2 months. I’m crazy. I know. But he says “I love you” and I don’t know I feel like he’s desperate. Not to be mean. I would never want to hurt him. I think and I have a strong feeling he has hit on every girl in my grade before I came. Well. I wasn’t a virgin when I met him. I’m a terrible person. But the kid that took my virginity, knew I was at a very sensitive stage in my life. Heres some more detail.
I had either just turned 15 or was about to, and I had never kissed anyone. Well I agreed to kiss my ‘friend’ it was sloppy and disgusting. I hated it, in fact It made me sick. So I called my “best friend” and he said he wanted to hangout with me so I could tell him more. That boy was my bestfriend for 4 years, I was always the rebound, he was my first priority. Then shortly after that some kid asked me to hang with him. He was flirty and fun and just what I needed! We went to see a movie at his house, and he made out with me, my first time. He then wanted more. But here I am. Little Prude Chubby Girl. And I backed off and left. He was confused and I was stubborn.
Then following that another kid had asked to hangout with me. He wanted to hang out at a carnival. He was my BESTGIRLFRIENDS ex. I didn’t know this. We hung out and he was cute. Gosh he was so short. Haha. During the fireworks, We kissed. He was the best kisser and he was so sweet, and I gave him a BJ and HJ. He was the first to feel me up. Then JUST like the others, “That was a one time thing.” and it broke my heart. Then later that summer I decided “no more boys”. That lasted….not long. Well. Near the end of the summer I had received news that I was moving.
TIME TO SLUT UP THIS TOWN. Oh jeez. Just kidding. Well My friend invited me to a fire with her and this guy she was fucking, and his friend would be there. I had talked to his friend before and he was about 20 or 21 and we were like flirting buddies! He was hilarious. His smile is still stuck in my head. Well I hung out with them and we had a fun night, he kissed me and I melted. That night my friend told me we were sleeping over. Now usually I’m the type of person to over react and be all tense. Well I had drank some “gingerale” and they must have slipped something in it because I.Was.Crazy. He asked if I wanted to sleep in a blow up mattress with him, I agreed. Half asleep he kept bothering me, he said “are you awake” I replied “of course!” and he turned me around and started kissing and feeling me, I DID THE SAME. That’s not me. I HATE touching people. He smoked a pack of cigarettes an hour. And it made me sick. But under that “drink” I was attracted to him. He started undressing me. I FRIGGEN LET HIM. HE’S 20 SOMETHING AND I LET HIM FUCKING FUCK ME. No. Not acceptable. It was twice. And he did not have a condom the second time. I woke up not knowing where I was and he was on the other side of the bed, he didn’t even cuddle with me and he took the blankets. BASTARD.
He then had no balls and told my friend later after we left that I was so in experienced that he never wanted to see me again. And that I’m a Fat Ugly individual. She told me and I was scared because I still hadn’t recieved my “monthly gift.” It was a few days before my first day at CCT. I tried to OD. and I tried everything to end my life. But then I had met these amazing people, one of them is my best friend!. And I couldn’t I wasn’t prego, and when I lost my V-card I was almost 200 lbs, within around 2 weeks, I dropped the weight. I’m still fat but not like I used to be. And then My first week of school I started talking to this guy, he wanted to hang out. We did, and he felt me up. Like I must have a “SLUT” sign hanging on my head. seriously. But I told him no and he said “It’s a one time thing” Of course. But I got home that day feeling like shit and I got a facebook message from this kid, he completely changed my life. I was thinking “Wow must be another guy that wants to fuck. Better humor him too.” We talked that long weekend and that Monday when I saw him, I swear my heart sunk. I hugged him like he was a long lost brother or something, that week him and I began to talk and he wanted to hangout the coming Sunday! I remember seeing him everyday in the halls, and his smile, our hugs just lit me up. Then when he kissed me on my cheek I remember getting weak in my knees. I knew he was something special. We hung out and he asked me..the most romantic question ever. “Sould I grow my hair out?” I looked at him, dumbfounded. He then took my hand “Just kidding want to go out?” I answered way too quick. I say Yes in an instant, and we sealed it with a kiss. Our “song” was ‘Wanted’ By Hunter Hayes and Theres too many memories with him. He’s My boy and I love him. I’m not sharing our ‘love-life’ because, well that would take too long to explain! He makes my world spin and I love everything about him. His dimples, His smile, The way he kisses me so soft. I just wanna know, I spent all my time “looking for my prince” and he fits my expectations and goes above them. And I get EXTREMELY jealous. Is that normal? Nope. He’s going to think I’m clingy and he’s going to break up with me. Am I emotionally and physically ready? Not.At.All.
I know no ones going to read this but please, help me out if you do. ):
Message Me I really need advice.